Playing with Machetes

Carolina Chanis
2w
The more I write and speak about this integration work, it becomes clear to me that the play I like to play is straight outta Children of the Corn and I just shocked myself a bit because I didn't know that's what was going to come out as I started typing but let's play with this and not censor my writing...

So, what do I mean by that?

Taking it back to marketing, visibility blocks are related to deep psychological and emotional wounds. 

Archetypes can show us where we are hurting and what's out of balance and what's dying to be seen and heard. 

When we try to look at these things, we will have a part of us that will resist the work because there is something to be gained by keeping you a constant emotional and nervous mess. 

When we try to ignore these things (accepting that we won't escape the emotional mess), we will have a part of us that will remind us we are a fraud and we will never make it because there is something to be gained by keeping you small and underpaid. 

IT'S THE SAME VOICE. The same one that tells you "don't share that" is also telling you "no one's gonna buy your stuff" and it is also telling you "you gotta work harder".

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. πŸ™‚

And when you are in that constant state of inner conflict, you can't jump from that state to LIBERATED AF in one leap. It takes time. 

So, what's a compartmentalized bitch to do? 

You can assume the role of the defiant asshole child. 

In fact, you are already doing it. 

When you said fuck the 9 to 5, you shat all over the "work hard and retire well" narrative. 

But the voice is still there and we have already tried ignoring it and hating it and hoping it goes away once we get to 10K months...it doesn't work. 

We need the next level - the defiant asshole alone can get you somewhere, but it also loves to self-sabotage. Because, remember, it's a 2-way relationship between your defiant self and that voice that wants to keep you down. 

The reason you became defiant is because you had to find a way to fight back and protect yourself from that voice. 

What we need to realize is that as long as you stay in that state of defiance, you are still subservient. You are still the pissed off child, trying to get even with the internalized Master/Overlord. 

Again, going from this realization that your defiance is really a child having a fit to becoming an Integrated Woman/Creator...is not a leap. It takes time.

So, what's your defiant ass to do?

We can no longer pretend this is not what we are doing, so we accept this is where we are at.

And we find the sense of humor in it.

How?

Add more nuance to the defiant child - Overlord relationship. Get curious. When the voice wants to start some shit, you fully step into the defiant child role and ask - WHY?

And for every single thing your inner critic tells you it's a NO, or that you CAN'T, you ask WHY? Like a toddler that doesn't realize how annoying this is, keep on pestering the voice, WHY? Why can't I take Monday off? Why can't I build this in 10 hours a week? Why can't I grow my business with shitty graphics? Why can't I do a reel of myself twerking to sell an offer?

Your job is to hold the curiosity, defiance, and naΓ―ve open-mindedness of this inner child as best as you can. Some days you'll be overpowered and defeated. That's okay. Cry it out. Come back another day. Ask why why why why whyyyyyyyyyyy until you exhaust the inner critic.

And that's how you actually slay them. You'll understand that they are trying to keep you from experiencing your fear. And most of the time you'll realize it's quite ridiculous. Other times you will have unblocked something that was causing you pain (in which case, you may need support and you definitely need to get it out of your system).

You invite them to play YOUR game, which is bore them to death with your why why why why whyyyyyyy instead of playing their game, which is "let's torture you with overblown scenarios until you know your place is down here".

The more you can do this without taking it seriously, the faster you get to the answers.

So why do I emphasize the play and the humour? The inner critic can't fucking stand your joy. So when you ask whyyyyy in a playful manner (which your critic perceives as you being an asshole) the inner critic will tell you what it really wants. 

You won't believe what happens next. The inner critic becomes useful. It becomes an alarm system, your way of knowing SOMETHING STINKS IN HERE. 

The shame starts to fade, and now you welcome this inner committee of Debbie Downers, Karens, what have you. 

And then you can play another game, which is....fuck around and find out! 

At this point, you are feeling good enough about yourself that you can be another type of asshole, the kind that wants to see...what will happen...if you do the thing the voice says you shouldn't do? 😈

And you take on the devilish pleasure of doing the thing, being the thing that the inner critic is warning you about. 

.... 

What does this have to do with Children of the Corn? (a movie about a town that is controlled by children who believe everyone over 18 must be killed) 

This play I just said, as funny as it sounds, is quite subversive because you are used to seeing yourself enmeshed with that voice. 
The thought of severing that relationship and seeing yourself as separate from that voice is the psychological equivalent of death. 
So, to get into the "sassy defiant asshole child" role...you also have to embrace the dark side. 
It's murder. That's why we don't want to do it in the first place. We instinctively know that we are going to kill something in us if we try to play like this. 

Fuck running with scissors, we are running with machetes here.

But the story doesn't end there. 
What if I told you that once you sever those threads, these voices and demons...TRANSFORM? 
The death leads to rot, which leads to nourishment. 
You can finally see that they were also trying to love you (in their weird ass messed up way). 
Your perfectionist voice just wanted safety. 
Your hustling voice just wanted to make sure you covered your bases. etc. 

Your creativity and vitality come back. Little sprouts, feeding off of the wisdom and lessons you gained from this brutal battle. 

YOU BECOME STRONGER. 
Your business (and marketing) become an ever evolving piece of art. 
Experimenting becomes easy, because you can hold two truths: 
  1. You are not who you think you are 
  2. Who you are right now is exactly who you need to be  

This stuff is heavy and only you can get yourself through it. That doesn't mean you are alone. You can do this exploration in community.

This is what I mean when I say that the Maiden is at the center of it all.
She holds the key and the power. She's the one that is doing all this play.

But, it's heavy stuff isn't it? All that work so we can be on social media? Yup.

Life is already hard. And harsh. So I'd rather approach this as play and live the role that helps me slay my inner Overlords with fun and sass and kindness.

Right now, it's something like...poking fun at my existential angst and my perfectionism by creating graphics that are not approved by the inner critic/shadow side of the Sage...while at the same time using the gift of the Sage, which is writing, to create those short and snappy Word Art phrases. Throw in some sparkle because I'm a 90s child and my Maiden is grieving that Lisa Frank was the world's shittiest employer

It's playing with my looks because my Maiden is DONE trying to be a fEmAlE eXeCuTiVe and is simultaneously terrified of letting go of the armor that fashion used to provide (please take me seriously, I am wearing a suit!) 

It's doing all the things that go against the internalized male boomer Bob, who believes in suffering and 80-hr work weeks. I take a crap on Bob's face (this is my asshole cat, who is one of the many faces of my Lover) every single MONDAY because guess what Bob MONDAYS ARE FOR ME AND MY PRECIOUS FEELINGS. YES. EAT DICK BOB, I'M GONNA BE A FEMALE, ALL UP IN MY FEELINGS ALL OF MONDAY. 

And, guess what?

It's working.
I'm showing up. People are noticing. 

I finally believe my success is inevitable, and I say it without a drop of shame, without fear of a proverbial chancla falling from the sky to "put me in my place". 

Bitch, I summoned the Goddesses. Whatever happens next, I am ready.  

So, who's up for some machete play time? πŸ˜›